Thought of expressing my feelings here. Somewhere i could just write what i think about. So what does it mean by "Being home doesn't mean feeling home". It practically happens especially when someone is abroad and far away from home. Just as you guess it, it's me. I'm staying all the way far far away from home. Sometimes when you want to fit yourself back to your home, you sometimes feel that you're a stranger. Usually among friends or somebody you're close with. I would say this cuz sometimes you tell this issue to your friends but they just don't seem to really understand. Me as the only person who is away and you guys are together back home. Obviously you would see the change but i do. You guys are all in college and already having a new chapter of life. New issues, new friends, new hang outs and topics. Some probably don't talk about what we used to talk about before. They might think that it's old school and stuff like that.


How How HOw?? How to catch up with them? We were so close before and now i just feel that i'm left behind. It's like everybody is walking together in front of you and you're just panting, trying to catch up. You tried to catch up. But they just don't really feel like sharing. Not seeing the point of sharing. It's like this. I know how izzit cuz i myself sometimes i feel it too. It's like "there's no point talking about this person cuz in the end you don't know that person. so save some breathe and must as well dun say it."

So when i ask about life there, everybody will just answer like "oh ok la..the same usual thing and all" Then next question  will be how's college and all. Ppl then answer "ok la...busy...holidays...exams..." These are so general. Something which maybe i would know already without you telling me. But come' on..nothing interesting going around? 

What i'm interested in are like your circle of friends now, any gossips, situations and all. I feel so empty now between you guys and me. I feel like sometimes when i go home, what would i do. Mayb just stay at home and all?  anybody would be interested or excited of me coming home? It doesn't feel like it. There is just no enthusiatic around between us anymore.

I don't know what else to describe the feeling right now. Cause i'm not even sure whether there is someone who actually really understand my feeling right now.

That includes you too, bee. i'm just tired about asking about college life. It's like now i don't even have the eager to know how is your life like. I just feel that we're both living our own lives now. It's like we're going into our separate ways. We're not sharing lives anymore together...

this is all i can say.

Bee.. actually you're not asking too much.. it's me, i'm the one who can't meet your expectations as a boyfriend.. but bee.. not matter what, we will sail through this storm together, alright? We have to prove your parents wrong and try our best to make this relationship last as long as possible..

i saw this "internet fails, phone fails, time fails, college, work.....EVERYTHING FAILS.. it just keeps tumbling down.." in your previous post.. hey look, those are variables which we can't take control.. you have your homework/test/assignment/research to do.. i have my own work to do also.. we both have responsibilities to handle.. we can't take that as excuse to say that we aren't as close as before, right?

see? we just talked over the phone, it went well, didn't it? so never ever EVER think of the "B WORD" again. NEVER. there's no such word in your dictionary!! hmph! how dare you even RAISE IT UP!!

i dun care. u owe me an apology. BLEH

It has been a very long time since i last posted something here. Well, it's like i have no one to pour my feelings out so i only have you. Oh blog blog, tell me what to do. Tell me this ain't happening.

Every single time when i talk to you i always end up feeling so depressed. It's either you're tired or our conversation isn't interesting. I"ll end up feeling so screwed. I know it's not your fault. I dun even noe what i want. I really really hate myself for making such big fuss. Sometimes it looks as though the source of all our probs is me. It's like i cause them. If i just dun say anything or just keep my mouth shout about how i feel then there wont be a prob.

But it's had to keep inside. Keeping everything inside is tough too. I always wanna tell you how i feel whether i'm happy angry sad disappointed unsatisfied I want to tell them all out. I want you to know how i feel. But everytime letting you noe, our hole between us just gets bigger. I don't even know how to express myself anymore. I don't even know what exactly i want. what exactly satisfies me. I don't know what i want from you. Everything just seems not right anymore..

We're not like the perfect couple we used to anymore. Sometimes i think that we were just meant to be high school. All our memories are just during high school. Now that high school is over, i don't know what.

I don't know whether i'm just being lonely or i'm being to ridiculous. It's just so so tough to be somebody. Maybe it's because it's me. I think i always make things difficult for you. I always want this and that. I always expect what  i want from you. Then when it doesn't turn out right, i always make an issue. I think you will be clueless about me by now. You must be thinking "what the heck does she want from me? what i give to her isn't enough??"

It's like i don't even know myself anymore. Sometimes i feel like i'm not fit to be someone like you. Like i always make things difficult. Recently, i've been thinking about bad thoughts. bad thoughts as in the "B word". DOn't get me wrong!! i don't want to B with you but i always think how we will be like when we B. Does this mean anything?? something like is our relationship gonna end?

I love you and i really really do.. but with my selfishness and stupidity, i dont know whether i can cope. Help me blog!! what can we do?? things just get harder and harder this days. Everything isn't on our side anymore. internet fails, phone fails, time fails, college, work...EVERYTHING FAILS.. it just keeps tumbling down..

Everytime when I put my hopes up it just falls down like fire balls..

Am i like becca?

 mingugu » -JOHNSON the PABBEE says:
*ally bee?
*beeee ah
*i think u sleep adi
*no doubt about that
*so..
*i'll go sleep also la k
*we'll talk tomorow morning
*=)
*baobao
*thank u so much for standing up for me..
*i'm sorry, if there's any conflict between u and coco.. but i hope both of you will not quarrel because of me k..
*i love you =)
*i love u from inside out throughout like one whole package
*=D
*i think your type extinct adi..
*i mean
*how can i ever find another person as perfect as you?
*by saying perfect, i mean it.. you're just the right person for me.. its like.. even though we don't have much in common.. but we still love each other so much..
*that's what i really treasure and look up to in us
*we're like.. so playful yet we can get serious at times but we rarely have serious quarrels like the other couples do
*and we don't play with "breakup"
*to us
*there's no such term
*i believe that
*so beee
*i'll do my best to secure a good future for both of us
*i promise you that
*and hey..
*regarding the H&M bag..
*i promised you that i'll get it
*a promise
*is a promise
*and you'll see that bag in front of your eyes
*i don't know when
*but i already promised you, and so i will do it. i don't wana let you think that i just make empty promises
*alright? =)
*good night beeee
*take care of yourself there
*be careful of the flu k
*and don't eat so much
*before u board the bus
*later u hin hin ah then vomit
*=S
*hope that you'll read everything i wrote here
*when u wake up
*sleep tight baobao
*i'll see u soon k
*=)
*love u loads (K)
*muaxxxx
*sweet dreams
*bee beeeeee:d
*wah u become aunty adi ah  go market ahahhaha
        »ållÝ B«            says:
*WAT LA!!!

My pabbee bee!!! i'm so so missing you ah...wanna msg you but yet dun wan to kacau you. You have to study..I'm listening to gary cao ge's songs. Haihz.. can't stand one day without you. i should be really thankful that we get to be together for 3 days. I miss those days.. miss miss miss you!!!

This is the only way to feel better. If not the hurt just stays there.

Long Distance has brought many downturns to our relationship. Each time, it just bring so much of misunderstandings, loneliness, sadness, jealousy and others. It has brought me to so much tears. Realizing that it just made me feel so bad. Sometimes i feel like i shouldn't have gone.

Everything that i have now seems to be slipping away slowly. The close frens i used to have. The tension that we have between us. Updates on things. Everything feels so clueless.

On second thought, i have no idea what i'm talking right now. This feeling in me just keep stirring hard. I still can't explain everything properly. HOwever, it's just so so hard being away so far away.

All it brought to me were tears and hurt...IT"S SO SO DIFFICULT!!!

Today pabbee told something which keppt me thinking. Actually i've been thinking about it for a very very long time. Am i asking too much from him? Am i expecting too much from him? I just said that i wanna hear stories but he  then told me a lot more other things which kept me thinking again. Am i asking too much? Am i too demanding? Here right now, he told me that he is imperfect and he couldn't meet to my expectations and all..

When a guy tells you from his side, this might be an answer. Maybe it's just i'm asking too much that made him state something just once and for all.

Now this really made me feel something.

i can never meet all of your expectations.. because if u have 1, u would want 2, and when u have 2, u want 3.. u get me?

What can i say about this? Am i also not satisfied with the things i have? Am i too greedy?

Am i? or am i not?

*I dunno what's wrong with livejournal, so i'm typing under the HTML instead of Rich text format*
*i changed! =D*

So yeah.. As you can read from the title.. Its our "halftime break".. Sorry la just after NBA fever ma.. Hehe..

Actually, I consider my 3 months in NS as a quarter.. Then when you left to Switzerland, its the beginning of another quarter.. Now we've struggled through TWO quarters which made it HALFTIME! I really appreciate your effort in keeping our relationship so lively.. You really made me feel so so so so loved.. =) *aiya can't show lovey face in HTML but u can imagine right?*

I still remember when you first told me that you got accepted by Glion.. That particular moment.. It really stabbed my heart.. If you could understand how I felt.. It was just like you knowing that I had to go for NS.. So we're EVEN! And then.. I feel that.. 16months.. Heh.. Too short? I know it feels very short, but there were many fond and sweeeeeeeet memories.. I really miss those times we spent together.. Although the 30minutes didn't turn out to be how I wanted it to.. I felt blessed and thankful that you're still mine and I'm still yours.. How wonderful!! Two lovebirds.. After being separated for so long.. Still be able to be so loving when with each other.. No feeling of awkwardness.. Just the plain and natural loving atmosphere.. That's what I love about us.. Whenever we are together.. We just forget about everything.. As you said.. Everything seems blind when you're with me.. Same goes to me! I just love that feeling having you as my one and only.. Its like.. I have you as a whole.. I love you as a whole.. We love each other for who we are and not what we are.. We love our natural traits.. We love every single thing about us!

You know what.. I actually felt sad after seeing what you wrote to me on msn.. You said something like "Since you are having your holidays now and you're so free, can you please at least post an entry on our blog.. But if you cannot also nvm la". That really really struck me hard.. but i just pretended to be normal.. I don't want to argue over it.. I just want that same loving atmosphere.. The bond between us.. The way we talk.. The way we quarrel like small kids and just wanting to win hehe.. I just love every moment.. every single bit.. every little small details when we are interacting with each other.. Be it online or SMS or blogs or call.. I still see our strong line.. Its like.. It can be pulled over few continents right from Malaysia up to Switzerland.. Its really hard to have this long distance relationship going.. For example.. Our close friends - Becca & Andrew.. We both know very well what they had gone through.. Luckily there's an example for us to look at.. I know we both would never want to end up like them.. We just don't want to leave each other.. Its like we are meant for each other.. Refusing to let go off each other.. Holding onto each other so strong that we can never be separated..

In other words... We're like a perfect couple.. Standing strong through the storm.. And enjoying the scenery of rainbow and sun after that.. =)

I know we can withstand the challenge of distance and time..

Alison.. I love you.. Always & forever..

*by the time u read this, you should be in malaysia already*

Loves,
Johnny Boy

Pabbee...

Just wanna tell you that i'm loving you deeper and deeper each day. Although the days are getting shorter and shorter and you are there loving me, I still wanna say that i always love you and miss you. It always bring me to tears. I know i'm not suppose to but it's just this love is too deep. I am really crazily fallen for you. I'm also scared at the same time. I'm worried that if one day when things change, i do not know how i can manage it. It will be a deep cut. 

Pabbee...i love you with all my heart. Every step you take, i can just feel it. I always want to see you. I will feel so lost without you. You know me better than anybody else. You know what i'm thinking or doing. You are like the other half of me. When i'm upset, don't say that you're useless. In fact, you always make me smile again. without fail. It's just you pabbee.. You're just irreplaceable.

everybody says that you're nice and i'm so lucky to have you. That is so true. I can't believe that i'm so lucky and that i deserve a guy like you. I'm really really happy about this and so proud. Each time i hear bout girls over you, each time i grow to love you deeper and i feel so happy and proud to have you. I know that no matter what, you will still choose me. I hope things will remain the same forever n ever. Of course we can't think that it will be but we hope for it.


Looks like all these years of your hardwork, sincerity, loyalty, consistence, had been a success. You have made me fall in love with you deeply.


I love you pabbee!!! i love you very very much...


<<aL>>

Hey Ppl out there.

I bet all of you ppl would agree with  me on this. Jealousy do rule over everything. First they rule our your heart, then your emotions, then your mind, to your speech, and lastly your actions. Why do i say this is because i've done something really bad today. But i just can't help it. I can't stop it from happening. Jealousy just ruled over me. What else can i do? Seeing someone else being able to talk to someone they love? How can that be impossible for jealousy to be developed? I just can't help it. After not speaking to you for 1 whole week. when i say talk, i meant like we have an actual talk. Not through msges and stuff. I always try hold back and always try to control myself. Always telling myself not to ask so much. NOt to be demanding. But WHY WHY WHY???..i just cant help it. I always fail.

When jealousy takes over your body, many things can happen. You would become more selfish. Nasty comments and sarcastic comments and crankiness would occur. I'm still suffering from madness and loneliness although i noe that you are still there for me. It's just i want you there in real. Not just a thought. Seeing ppl holding hands, hugging each other, kissing and talking just hurt a lot. Even glance that i take it would just hurt. It's not that easy to be in a world here where you see couples everywhere you noe. It's different that in malaysia.

Selfishness just take over everything slowly by slowly. First, when you really want to talk to somebody, you would not even care about the other party. You wouldn't care whether that person had a long day and was really tired. You would want to keep calling him/her till that person is woken. You then do not care how your friends feel but just blurting out ll your nasty comments and stuff.

Selfishness and jealousy are evil. They can ruin everything. But how can i stop it? it's just terrible. If i would be crazy, i can be crazy. I think i would buy you a laptop myself. I can be crazy till i make you talk to me every single second of your life. If i go crazy, i would dun care the world around me but just sticking myself with my comp with you TALKING to me. If i go crazy, i would even forget bout sleeping or eating but just having my eyes glued to the screen and my fingers typing. If i would go crazy, i wouldn't even care about other ppl but just you.

ok..by just typing that paragraph, just to admit. I went a bit insane. That was how selfish i can be. I just don't know why pabbee...i don't understand. How can you be so cool? HOw can you be so calm with your life but here i am terrible weeping every end of the week. HOw can you always be so calm? Why do i always have to be the one here always crying about this? Why do i always have to be the one being so selfish?

I always try so hard not to push you cuz i noe you do try your best. But just sometimes, i dun feel your best. Sometimes, i just want more. I want more than what i have now. I noe i'm being demanding. But look's like this is who i am. I am a demanding person. I cant change myself. I always expect more and wants things to go my way.

<<aL>>

A girl once always thought whether she was wrong. She believed and trusted her boyfriend but she just seemed to feel very doubtful. She never felt this way before ever since she came to this little new world of hers. Just as time began to go by, she felt that her relationship with her boyfriend wasn't the same anymore. She knew that her boyfriend loves her deeply but she just had so many doubts. She felt as though things would change. She felt like her boyfriend didn't tell her things anymore. They talked really little to each other. They used to talk for hours on the phone but then she felt that there wasn't much to talk about already. She felt that she had to ask her boyfriend about things. If she didn't ask, he wouldn't told. Thus, it made her really doubtful whether if he was really trying. Although her boyfriend kept telling her that he was but she felt she just couldn't see it. She has been always wanting to tell her boyfriend but everytime, she just couldn't tell as she knew that her boyfriend will not understand how she was feeling. She always wanted to talk to her boyfriend and thought that talking to him everyday is not much to ask from. However, it was. She missed him so so much and thought that at least they could talk to each other last how they used to be and she would be satisfied. She felt that she didn't ask much. She felt that she had been very reasonable with him because she didn't expect him to go to her little world and see her every year or month. She just ask a little something from him but he said that she was unreasonable sometimes. Because of all these doubts about whether her boyfriends still loved her like before, her boyfriend kept telling her that she always made assumptions. Just then, she read an email which she found in her boyfriend's inbox. It was an email with a girl. She knew that there was nothing but she just felt hurt because he never mentioned about her before. Though that girl had added her into her contacts but all the while she thought that that girl was just some normal random person. She never realised that he actually knew her. In addition to it, she then found out that that girl was also from the same college and he has been consulting her. She felt so confused and doubtful because she hadn't heard anything about this before. She thought that he would tell her everything  but this was something which was hidden. How else can she not be doubtful when he never even talks about his college life. Everytime when she asked him bout his college life and he would just say " it's ok. As usual". She now know that there was more to it. She felt scared and terribly insecure. She wanted answers yet she was so afraid to make assumptions. But was she really making assumptions? She always felt so guilty and bad whenever she felt doubtful. She felt like she was killing herself. He always said that she was thinking too much but had he ever thought that how can a girl not think so much when they are so far apart. Had he ever understand why she had been so called unreasonable and making assumptions? Had he ever know how she was feeling? Although he said that he did understand, but that's not exactly what he understood.

No matter how perfect and matching a couple is, there is always some parts where one doesn't understand each other. This is why they say "two different planets, two different thoughts"


<<aL.>>

PAbbeee...


I'm feeling really happy today and i feel like writing here..cuz so long never express myself adi. LOL..This week has been the toughest of the toughest week i ever had. It was the week where nobody would help you. You have to have self confidence and motivation. It's my CBL week. Being a waitress is not an easy job. It's not a job which you think it's just taking orders and serving. There's much more than that. Just setting up a table, you need to know a lot of things. Everything has to be precise. Laying the table clothes also needed to be known how to. Then the cutleries are set after the napkins and so on.

The hardest part for me was to carry plates. It not how we usually hold. It's totally with style. You have to carry 3 plates. 2 on one arm and another with the other hand. It's not eaasy for a person like me with weak arms. Seriously. HOwever, my will power promoted me day by day. On my day 1, i can't hardly carry plates. It was just too difficult. It was like as though i can throw the food in front of my guest. The plates were so slanted till the food could just slip. That was how bad i was. I was practically the worst. Day by day, i've improved a little. Now it's day 4 and i'm pretty good in serving now. But i still have to work on clearing the table. So i hope i should be able to do it tomorrow.

We had an individual feedback today. So my service teachers were really nice. They had been coaching me and teaching me things. They said that i've improved and they could see that i'm really trying and serious in what i'm doing. They said i'm polite and have good attitude. Pretty good comments about the rest such as punctuality, attitude, dressing and service. However, just technique is my lacking. Therefore, i need to improve more on my serving and clearing skills. These skills have to be practiced in order to get better and i believe one day, i could make it.

Serving is not a boring or useless job. It is actually fun and it brings much more self confidence. It also helps to strengthen your relationship with others. I really get to know and talk to ppl in my class whom i never talk to before. They are actually really nice people. There is this guy whose name is steve. He is a canadian-korean too. I didn't really like him before and always have this bad impression on him. This was because he just seems to be easy-going person and he danced with all the girls in the club (terribly), and even with esther. So i was alwways having that impression on him. However, today i found a new side of him. He isn't that bad when he is sober at least. He is really helpful too. He helped me or rather taught me how to carry plates properly. I really enjoyed myself working in Hotel De Alps this week. I pretty much enjoyed the teamwork and i've learnt a lot of things from this.

TRUST in YOURSELF and YOU CAN DO IT!!!

<<aL>>

Pabbeee...you noe what happened just now. After talking to you, my mood totally went down the drain. After talking to you, esther and coco came to my room. Then, we were like happy and all but they came and told us something. They told us that they met uncle J in the club just now. So they were all talking and all. Uncle J is havin like a KOREAN BBQ party tonight. Then, coco accepted the invite. So TECHNICALLY, COCO AND ESTHER WERE SUPPSOE TO GO. So they came to my room. Me, and dora were like thinking that they came to have dinner with us. But INSTEAD, they came to tell us that "oh they are not having dinner with us cuz they have BBQ dinner". Coco was so excited and happy. Then, like esther said like "oh you guys could come along too." but Coco said "NO....' It was pretty disappointing. and den, coco also said like "I don't care...cuz i'm having korean bbq". i was pretty pissed by her you noe. I mean.. me, dora and hao were pretty disappointed nd yet she still wants to add on. of course she doesn't like mean it or wat but still it still pretty hurting wan noe.

Pabbee...you don't noe what is happening exactly here now. me and dora felt as thought we are kinda left out now. Remember there was this girl i told you that i don't like her. Her name's hannah. Seriously.. for like this week, she has been hanging out with esther and coco. What she talks about was herself and gossips. I am so annoyed about her. Alright already that she has 1 boyfren in hk and now wanting another 1 here. Now, she has to like talk bout other ppl. Everytime when she's around, she talks to esther and coco only. Left me and dora out. And then what was annoying is that everytime, when we are going somewhere or anything, esther and coco would ask "where's hannah?, we should call hannah"...it's like they talk more to hannah than me and dora now. Not only me that is feelin annoyed but dora too. And dora was the one like stood up to them today saying that she doesn't like hannah. Then, now like esther and coco noes that we are pretty angry. Not only with the bbq incident but oso hannah thing. My face was black. You noe my black face right. I mean..i do also want to go. I love korean bbq!!! they noe it. I dunno la pabbee...i was so angry too.. Lost my appetite.

I'm not really angry thay they din invite us or anything but like it was disappointing you noe. It's like your frens going somewhere not thinking bout you. It hard to see like your frens seems to look happier with other ppl..Seeing them more concern bout other ppl but not you. Now, i feel pretty bad. Should i or should i not? Esther and coco decided not to go adi for the bbq party. well, coco said that she coughs too much so she's not going. I feel that they didn't go cuz of us. But i cant hide ma.. it was really disappointing.

I felt so so much to express it to you. But you went to sleep adi. so this is a way where i can voice things. Pabbeee...what am i to do? Dora feels like we kinda "separated". I don't know pabbee...what am i suppose to do? am i too sensitive? i'm feeling as though i'm becoming more selfish, unsatisfied, sensitive, emotional, more competitive oso.. How HOw..? Am i? Am i?

Pabbee...tell me honestly.. tell me seriously. what do you think of me now? How am i now? HAve i changed? Please please tell me


<<aL>>

Pabbeee....

i feel terrible now...i feel weak again. I feel like crying....i have no idea why but pabbee i really do feel like before again.. i listen to songs and i tear..i really want to cry but i can't..i really want to go to my room and be alone to cry out loud...I want to...i want to talk to you but don't want to disturb you.. It's pretty difficult..what are we to do? i what signs are these? what are these that keep hurting me? i thought i'm over it already. i thought i will be strong.. you're back what else i want.. what's wrong with me??? pabbeee...

looks like i'm not that strong after all. i don't know what i want. i dun wan to be selfish or greedy. it's not like we didn't talk today but what is wron with me that i feel like we never talk iin hundred years.. why do i feel like we both are missing alot of things? why do i feel like in our conversation we seems like there is nothing that we could talk about? Is this our very best in maintaining this relationship. Do you think so? Will we last? i'm scared of that pabbeee...

I'm scared that we will reach the end. I'm scared that the end is waiting for us. I'm scared that we are drawing nearer to it. How can we stay where we are now? Pabbee..hold me tight...i'm scared right now..i really wish you to be here with me...wat am i to do?

PABBEE DEAR MY PABBEE....

My dear pabbee is coming home. Home where he is suppose to be. The time which i've been waiting for. He is finally coming back to where he belong. I'm so excited to it. I'm so so happy to hear it. I'm happy that our test is soon to be an end. Not really an end but soon to be, it's cuz we could talk and hear from you everyday. I miss you pabbee dear. Really dearly. I always thought that you would come back on tues but then today you said it's wed. I felt really sad when hearing that you noe. I really did cried noe. Pabbee.. but it's ok.. it's just 1 day diff. doesn't make any diff. I'll be strong. For one day!!. It'll be fine.

I'm in trang's room. We are gonna watch a movie tonight together.. LOl. and i'm so ready for it. I even brought piggy along. I noe i'm so childish. They were like "what's the piggy doing here? is it visiting?" I was like NO!! why?? piggy not invited?.. LOl...HAHAHA. .. I look so baby cuz i am one.. I'm your baby rite...Bao Bao ma...i never hear it so so long... loving and can't wait to hear it again. I hope everytime when i skype with you, the line would be clear. I so can't wait for that. Even more, i cant wait receiving your VERSACE BLUE JEANS!!!>.. OH!!! i'm so dying for that scent. I am so so dying for it. I will spray on piggy, my scarf everywhere. So that everywhere i go i can smell it and i will think of you.. Oh pabee!!! i'm so so happy. Really happy today. I miss you so so so much

Last night i had dinner with esther, fathimath and trang. it was cool. then we anged out at esther's room. We were naming each other nicknames. I am ally, esther is rose, trang is dora and fathimath is coco. So funny and random. LOL.. so we are gonna call each other that. THen later, trang asked me about my first kiss or whether i kissed you before. I was like...ermmm..hehehe...and den we talked abit about our first kiss though. It was pretty cool. it was like a girl's talk last night. LOL...nice..i hope these will be my 'sisters" here. It will be cool.

Oh and i'm so so so sorry that i didn't post for pretty long and our 1.1 month. So i'm gonna wish my sweet pabbee

WHERE are you pabbee??? Don't tell me you wont be getting  your phone this weekend??!! PABBEE!!! i don't want... i want to talk to you.. Stupid ns ppl.. Mei you liang sin. Why do the ppl there have to steal things? WHY WHY WHY!11...PLS!! i hope i could reach you soon!!...oh pls!!! OH loRD, I pray that i could reach You...WAHHHhhh...

Hey pabbee...

I'm back again. I'm always around here where you are. Time passes pretty fast here. It haas almost been 1 month that i am here. Things are really good here. Been trying to keep up wwith things. ALthough there had been some bad times but i manage to keep hold and firm by myself. I cry to you alot but it's ok. You don't have to be bad or guilty whenever you hear me cry. just give me your ears and heart for me to cry out. I'll be fine after that. I always love your heart that's were i would call home.

It's pretty scary too sometimes. I just had a short chat with rebecca just now and she was telling me that she and andrew are not ok. It's really sad though to hear it. She told me that andrew has not been talking to her and he replies really short msges only. It sounded as though andrew is loving his life there more than his relationship with rebecca. He even doesn't want to talk to her because he is in a bad mood. That's bad isn't it? So rebecca is so deeply sad now and she said she even cried in college. In front of her lecturer. She even said that Andrew initially wanted to go back in june but now he is finding excuses to not go back. What has andrew turn to? Who is he now? Why does he treat her like that? is he really changing his heart?  I mean it just a short while ever since he left kl. I feel so terrible for rebecca you noe. I mean i actually feel for her. I felt pretty much the same when were talking to each other during chinese new year. I was thinking whether andrew feels the same like you do. Whether he thinks that he is a burden for her. I told rebecca don't talk to him for now since he doesn't want to talk to her. I know it's a cruel thing to say but i also don't want to see her suffering like this just for a guy. I don't want her to feel so weak because of andrew. I told her that let him think what he is missing. Let him come back to her. I also told her to stand firm and never let guys get control of you. I don't know whether it's a wrong thing to say but i feel that she's the oone who is trying really hard for this relationship. I don't really see andrew giving much.

There was a picture of andrew and another girl in australia which rebecca saw. She felt hurt to see her own boyfren with another girl. I mean even it's to me, i would also feel the same. Although we know and trust that our boyfriends will not change, it's jnust a natural growth in our feeling. We tend to feel jealousy, insecure and doubtful. Even a small thing would make us feel curious. that is why they say Girls get jealous really easily. Just like that day when i saw this girl from wms trying to chat with you on fb, i was curious and want to know who she is. Just like the time when you said about that girl from ns, I was so curious until i went to check and check. If it was somebody else i would not care less but it's you. You're my boyfriend. My pabbee. The one that i care. Same goes to Rebecca. I really think that andrew is in the wrong. Rebecca is at her weakest state right now because she is still overcoming her loneliness and i feel that andrew should not treat her like this. He has no idea how hard is it for us to go through without our guys. You know right. You know how terribly weak i was that day right? SO pabbee...i hope you wont do this to me too. I really do. It's really painful and hurtful and insecure.

I love you pabbee.. I always do.. Never lesser a bit but more than ever.

Muaxx...

<<aL>>

PABBEE!!....

I'm feeling so terribly bad.. and depressed. OH gosh!! i'm crying again. This time terribly. I can't sleep...I miss hearing your voice. I miss talking to you. i really really miss you. I so want to hear your voice and to call you but i'm scared. I'm scaared. What if you don't want me to call you? What if you might think i'm so paranoid calling you every week. Pabbee!!... I terribly miss you so so much. I miss you till i put our pic as my wallpaper on my comp. I also set it as my wallpaper in my phone. I always look at it. I love looking at it. I'm actually sleeping on vanessa's bed tonight because she feel asleep on mine when we were watching movie. We were watching a movie called "how to lose a guy in 10 days?" Really sweet show. After the show, my other fren asked me. "So do you want someone?" Then i said "yea" then she said" but you have a boyfriend adi?" Then i said "yeala. I want him." Then she asked "do you want someone else?' I said " NO".

I love you pabbee. I always think of you. I always try to feel you again. LIke today when i was upset because me and my frens were suppose to go to lausanne to do shopping. They never go before but i went once. So i thought i knew the way. I thought i could take them to zara. who knows i took them 1 whole big round instead. Wasted so much time and made them walk so much. But i didn't give up. It took me whatever it takes to bring them to zara. So i went searching for it on my own first while they were looking at other shops. I went around asking ppl where is zara. In the end, we found zara but we had so little time. We wanted to take the train back and have dinner in time. But then, cuz it was too late so we stayed back. We were at zara but i could feel the tension between us. I know i was bad. I screwed up everything. BUt i still maged to bring them to zara. I felt like a bad person at that time. I tried like talking to them but yea. They did talk to me back but it's just like i could tell they were pretty disappointed in me. At that time, i felt so terrible. I felt so badly to cry. I was pretty much felt alone. I wanted you so much at that time. I couldn't take it so i msged you. I don't even noe whether you will receive it or not but i just want to tell somebody and the only person i could tell is you. I almost wanted to cry. I wanted your hug. Your comfort. You. But i maged to stay strong and looked as though i was ok. well,, esther and trang did realised that i was pretty quiet and down. They did ask me whether i was ok. Of ocurse i told them yea and i was tired. You noe rite that my "i'm tired" answer is definitely fake. I always use that as a cover up. I was so quiet from then on. I felt so badly to just go back to my room. I mean i really screwed up today. Tonight, they are going to black pearl (clubbin) and i didn't. I told them i was tired and they just said ok. If like for trang or others said that they wont go, they will like pujuk and pujuk. Sometimes i just feel like i'm just an extra to the group. I mean yea, they are nice. They do talk to me and all. We were pretty good but then now with the shopping incident, everything is crash again. Pabbee!! Help me..

i feel so terribly sad now. I din even cry for my parents and all. The person that i miss the most is you. I just don't noe why. I don't feel homesick or anything. But i have pabbee sick. Seriously. I really really miss you. You really succeed in making fall totally in love with you. it's 2 am here now. I can't wait till like i can call you. But in my heart, there's this feeling that say i shouldn't call. I don't know pabbee.. Do you want me to call? I'm so so afraid that one day you would leave me. I know it sounds so stupid but yea. I really do. I don't even know whether you have received my letter. I really do hope you got it. I also hope that you like it too. IT's just i don't know. From the last time i called you, it just keeps giving me this feeling. It's like i feel like we are far apart. Are we? I seriously cant sleep tonight. I just cant. I seriously want to know how you feeling. Do you feel the same way as i do? I have lots and lots of question back in my head. I wan to talk to somebody but i have noone to talk to. All i could do is just write here and let you read in a month's time? Again pabbee, i miss you. I see my friends talking to their own boyfrens and i keep wondering whn will it be my turn. I see ppl hugging their boyfriends and i wondered when will it be my turn. I see ppl laughing with their boyfriends and again when will it be my turn? I see ppl running up to their boyfriends, when will it be my turn? When will it be my turn?

Gosh!! i'm so gonna have swollen eyes later. I hope ppl don't notice me crying. I even have to blow mynose quietly so that i don't wake vanessa up. I don't want her to sudeenly wake and find me crying.